Characters need to be real to your readers. They need to
live, breathe, laugh, cry, fall in love, embarrass themselves, and connect with
your audience.
When they endure pain, loss, and trauma, it is important to
let them grieve. It’s a powerful part of the healing process and it’s one of
the most effective ways to connect with your audience. That’s because grief is something
that all humans experience. Regardless of the cause behind the grief that your
character is suffering, the audience will tap into it and make it their own.
Grief, like fear, is a universal emotion that nearly everyone has felt at some
point in their lives. This makes it a powerful tool for creating common ground
between your characters and your audience.
In today’s article, I’ll be taking a look at the 5 Stages of
Grief as outlined by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. I’ll begin with a
brief look at common misconceptions about the stages of grief, each step of the
grieving process, and lastly some examples of the grieving process in media,
looking specifically at cases from The
Bridge to Terabithia, Kingdom Hearts, Spiderman, and Naruto. There will be spoilers in these final
sections for each respective series, so be wary of that and read with caution.
Common Misconceptions
about the 5 Stages of Grief
Before we begin looking at the five stages of grief, let’s
briefly discuss some misconceptions surrounding these stages.
1. It is not
necessary to go through the stages of grief in order to heal. While most
individuals (and characters) will go through at least some part of the grieving
process, there will be some cases in which characters skip most stages of
grieving entirely. These characters are still capable of healing from the
trauma over time. The idea that an individual must go through every stage of grief in order to be fully healed is
not true. The healing process is as unique as the individuals that go through
it. For each individual is a unique healing process. Much will depend upon
personality, strengths, weaknesses, beliefs, constitution, attitudes, and
values.
2. It is not
necessary to experience all five stages of grief. Sometimes characters will
go through all five stages, but it is just as common for a character to only go
through three or four.
3. The stages of
grief do not occur in any particular order. Although the stages are listed
in the order of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, the
grieving process rarely follows this exact pattern. As you’ll see from the
examples in this article, the order can be quite varied. It is also not unusual
to go through a specific step more than once. For some characters, grief is a
line—proceeding from one step to the next, before finally reaching acceptance.
But for a majority of characters, grief is a cycle that doesn’t end so easily. For
example, even after an individual has achieved “acceptance,” they may revert
back to anger or bargaining, only to eventually return to acceptance again.
4. This model is
not just for characters facing their own impending deaths. The 5 Stages of
Grief model works for any trauma a character may be facing. It could be that
the character has a terminal illness, but it could just as well be another
distressing incident—the death of a loved one, the loss of a dream, a divorce
or breakup, facing a horrible realization or truth, or trying to overcome a
crippling addiction.
Now that we’ve cleared up some misconceptions about the
grieving process, let’s look at the actual stages.
1. Denial
Some psychologists call this the “denial/isolation” phase.
This step is listed first because it is often the first one that occurs
chronologically, even though the order of the remaining steps often varies.
In the denial phase, characters do exactly that—deny what is
happening to them. If a character is facing terminal cancer, for example, they
will choose not to believe such a thing is happening to them. If someone close
to the character dies, the character may act unaffected and suspend the belief
that their loved one is really gone.
Isolation is a large part of denial. Characters may choose
to avoid discussing topics related to their grieving, and they will deliberately
distance themselves from anything that reminds them of their present trauma.
In the denial phase, the characters are enduring severe
shock. To protect themselves from the awful reality, they create barriers in
their minds to fend off the truth. These barriers often take the form of denial—denial
that the incident ever occurred. Those around the character during this phase
may perceive him/her to be “out-of-it,” “emotionally numb,” or even “apathetic.”
2. Anger
Anger is a natural response to pain. When characters feel
wronged, they are naturally going to feel angry. When going through a trauma,
characters are likely to feel that they don’t deserve it. They may ask “Why me?”
or “Why am I the one being punished?” When they discover no logical answer, anger
often follows.
In this phase, characters may become wroth with themselves,
with others, with their god or religion, or even with their deceased loved one
(if they are grieving their death). It’s not uncommon for characters to feel
that their deity has abandoned them, that their loved one deserted them through
death, or that they themselves just didn’t do enough.
Anger can manifest itself in many ways—lashing out at
others, quick-temperedness, rebellion, yelling, acting cross, striking or destroying
inanimate objects (also called displacement), or just generally being tense
(clenched fists/jaw, rigid posture, speaking curtly, etc.).
If you are writing your story from the POV of a specific
character, they are likely to think angry and upsetting thoughts during this
phase. Their anger, like a fire, will leap from object to object in their mind,
until they go from being angry at one person/thing to being angry at the entire
world around them. They may feel misunderstood, or that they are the only one
who is truly suffering (and that others around them are only fooling
themselves). This only adds fuel to their anger.
3. Bargaining
In the bargaining phase, characters attempt to “make a deal”
with a deity, religion, fate, or person of high importance in their life in
order to gain something favorable to their situation. The classic example is
the individual who, having a terminal illness, tells God that he/she will give
up drinking, smoking, cursing, or start going to church, or give all of their
money to charity (or some other promise), in exchange for extended life or
healing.
While this is the most traditional form of bargaining, it
can come in many shapes in sizes. If a character is facing a divorce or
breakup, their form of bargaining may sound something like: “Give me another
chance! I promise I’ll do better!”
In its most simplistic form, bargaining is simply asking “What
if…” and saying “If only…” It occurs when a character is “stuck” in the middle
of their trauma. They replay it over and over in their minds, thinking of
things they could have done to fix or avoid the current situation. Rather than
being angry at others, they begin to shift the blame to themselves. A myriad of
hypothetical questions and alternative scenarios occupy the individual’s mind
as a result.
“If only I had gone to the doctor sooner.”
“If only I had never said those things.”
“What if I had listened to God’s calling?”
“What if I had never moved to this new city?”
And so on.
4. Depression
In phase four, exhaustion and reality at last begin to sink
in. The individual realizes that the traumatic incident really has happened and
that there is nothing they can do to change it. As a result, classic symptoms
of depression occur, which can last for a few days (acute depression) or
several weeks (clinical depression). In this phase, the character may tend to
seek therapeutic help or counseling, particularly if the depression lasts
longer than a couple weeks. Most of the time though, the character will simply
desire the compassion and understanding of another individual.
Characters enduring the depression phase will experience
sadness, regret, and (sometimes) hopelessness above all else. The loss becomes
very real to the character during this time and, as a result, they may smile
less, desire to be alone, have a change in sleeping patterns, stop laughing,
cry frequently, and view the world through a lens tainted by their personal
loss.
5. Acceptance
At the end of the grieving cycle, the character faces the
reality of the situation and makes peace with it… and with himself/herself.
Some characters may never reach this phase, and their pain,
anger, denial, or depression will continue to dog them. Characters who never arrive
at the acceptance phase may choose to travel the path of bitterness, revenge,
or isolation, or may simply give up on life entirely.
Characters who find acceptance within their personal trauma
are able to use it to fuel their future. The pain they have gone through becomes
a drive for their goals and ambitions. They do not forget what they have
endured, but they choose not to dwell on it or let it cripple them.
If the character is dying, the acceptance phase is one of
calm and peace. The character may become thoughtful, quiet, and enjoy periods
of isolation. Unlike the depression phase, though, this period is marked by a
patient readiness (even happiness) and not a dogging sense of dread and unease.
Examples of the
Stages of Grief in Popular Media
Now that we’ve examined each stage in the grieving process,
let’s take a look at some examples of characters in media who go through
grieving. As you will see, not every character experiences every single stage
and each character experiences the stages of grief in a different order. Obviously, examining these examples will
mean revealing spoilers from each reference, so be warned before proceeding.
Bridge to Terabithia:
Jesse Aarons
The Situation: Fifth
grader Jesse Aarons becomes friends with his new neighbor Leslie Burke after he
loses a footrace to her at school. Leslie is a smart, talented, outgoing
tomboy, and Jesse thinks highly of her. Jesse is an artistic boy who, in the
beginning of the novel, is fearful, angry, and depressed. After meeting Leslie,
Jesse's life is transformed. He becomes courageous and learns to let go of his
frustration. He and Leslie create an imaginary world called Terabithia in the
woods near their homes. In Terabithia, they are able to escape their everyday troubles
at school and home. One day, Jesse goes to an art museum with his teacher (not
notifying his parents beforehand or inviting Leslie to come along), only to
return home to learn that Leslie died in a freak accident.
Denial. Jesse’s
immediate reaction is denial. He simply cannot accept that Leslie is gone and
rationalizes this belief in his mind.
“No," he said,
finding his voice. Leslie wouldn't drown. She could swim real good
“No!" Jess was
yelling now. "I don't believe you. You're lying to me!"
“It's a lie. Leslie
ain't dead!”
He ran until he was
stumbling but he kept on, afraid to stop. Knowing somehow that running was the
only thing that could keep Leslie from being dead. It was up to him. He had to
keep going.
Bargaining. Jesse’s
denial lasts all through the night. He forces himself to believe that the news
about Leslie was all just a bad dream. Subsequently, he begins to feel guilty
about not inviting Leslie to join him at the museum, knowing that if he had she
wouldn’t have drowned. He roleplays the situation in his mind, thinking about
ways he could have made things right with Leslie.
…[H]e could tell her
about his day in Washington. And apologize. It had been so dumb of him not to
ask if Leslie could go, too. He and Leslie and Miss Edmunds could have had a
wonderful day-different, of course, from the day he and Miss Edmunds had had,
but still good, still perfect. Miss Edmunds and Leslie liked each other a lot.
It would have been fun to have Leslie along.
I'm really sorry, Leslie. He took off his jacket and sneakers, and
crawled under the covers. I was dumb not to think of asking.
He would go to see her
the first thing in the morning and explain everything. He could explain it
better in the daytime when he had shaken off the effects of his unremembered
nightmare.
Anger. Jesse’s denial continues through most of Leslie’s
funeral… until he overhears her father talking about cremation. This is the
catalyst that causes Jesse to realize Leslie is truly gone and that he will
never see her again. He begins to grow angry at those around him.
Cremated. Something
clicked inside Jess's head. That meant Leslie was gone. Turned to ashes. He
would never see her again. Not even dead. Never. How could they dare? Leslie
belonged to him. More to him than anyone in the world. No one had even asked
him. No one had even told him. And now he was never going to see her again, and
all they could do was cry. Not for Leslie. They weren't crying for Leslie. They
were crying for themselves. Just themselves. If they'd cared at all for Leslie,
they would have never brought her to this rotten place.
He had to hold tightly to his hands for fear
he might sock Bill in the face. He, Jess, was the only one who really cared for
Leslie. But Leslie had failed him. She went and died just when he needed her
the most. She went and left him. She went swinging on that rope just to show
him that she was no coward. So there, Jess Aarons. She was probably somewhere right
now laughing at him. She had tricked him. She had made him leave his old self
behind and come into her world, and then before he was really at home in it but
too late to go back, she had left him stranded there like an astronaut
wandering about on the moon. Alone.
Later on, Jesse physically strikes his younger sister upon
his return home.
He banged through the
door. May Belle was standing there, her brown eyes wide. "Did you see her?"
she asked excitedly. "Did you see her laid out?"
He hit her. In the
face. As hard as he had ever hit anything in his life.
Depression. In a rage, Jesse takes Leslie’s Christmas gift to him
and throws it in the river where she drowned—an attempt to severe his ties with
her and heal the pain in his heart. It’s at this point that Jesse experiences a
mental and emotional breakdown.
Gradually his breath quieted, and his heart
slowed from its wild pace. The ground was still muddy from the rains, but he
sat down anyway. There was nowhere to go. Nowhere. Ever again. He put his head
down on his knee.
Upon first returning to Terabithia, Jesse feels a wave of
depression strike as he wonders if the magic of the world still exists. Leslie
brought the world to life, and he wonders if it will still feel alive to him
now that she is gone.
He landed slightly
upstream from Terabithia. If it was still Terabithia. If it could be entered
across a branch instead of swung into.
Acceptance. After a deep discussion with his father, Jesse
comes to accept Leslie’s death. He realizes that he needs to carry on in honor
of his friend. He chooses to invite others to the land of Terabithia after a
personal reflection about how much this imaginary land helped him cope with the
troubles in his own life.
It was Leslie who had
taken him from the cow pasture into Terabithia and turned him into a king. He
had thought that was it. Wasn't king the best you could be?
Now it occurred to him
that perhaps Terabithia was like a castle where you came to be knighted. After
you stayed for a while and grew strong you had to move on. For hadn't Leslie,
even in Terabithia, tried to push back the walls of his mind and make him see
beyond to the shining world - huge and terrible and beautiful and very fragile?
(Handle with care - everything - even the predators.)
Now it was time for
him to move out. She wasn't there, so he must go for both of them. It was up to
him to pay back to the world in beauty and caring what Leslie had loaned him in
vision and strength.
Kingdom Hearts II:
Roxas
The Situation: Roxas
is a teen-aged boy growing up in Twilight Town with his three best friends. Roxas
finds his sleep filled with mysterious dreams and he begins to experience
supernatural phenomena that others are not aware of. With summer break coming
to a close, he decides to investigate an abandoned mansion deep in the woods
outside Twilight Town in order to complete an assignment for the upcoming
semester. Inside the mansion, he meets a mysterious girl who has answers about
his strange experiences and dreams. Roxas learns that he was never meant to
exist, and that his life is not his own to live. He must return to his original
body—a boy named Sora, who is currently comatose and will never reawaken unless
Roxas returns to him.
Denial. Roxas begins with blatant denial. He refuses to believe
that he simply doesn’t exist and that he is merely a small part of somebody
else. The thought that he was never meant to be born is painful to him, so he
blocks out the reality of the situation.
“What?! How could you
even say such a thing? Even if it were true…”
“I am ME! Nobody else!”
Depression. However, as the days wear on—and summer’s end draws
nearer—Roxas begins to question what the mysterious girl told him. If he truly
was never meant to be born, then his entire life (and all that he accomplishes)
is meaningless. His disturbing dreams continue, and Roxas finds himself having
difficulty sleeping. When he hangs around his friends, he becomes preoccupied
and stops smiling and laughing along with them.
Roxas also begins viewing his world through an ominous lens.
When his friend, Olette, casually comments, “We only have two days left
together,” Roxas hears the worst and starts to panic. Olette clarifies that she
was only talking about the two days left before summer vacation ended.
Anger. Eventually Roxas comes to learn that his entire world is
fake—a hologram created by the man who tricked him into believing he was “real.”
As memories of his capture and amnesia begin to come back, Roxas flies into a
rage—destroying an entire supercomputer and relentlessly attacking a
hologram-projection of the man who erased his memories.
Acceptance. As Roxas arrives at Sora’s resting place, he
realizes that his time has come. Sora must be reawakened. Roxas sees little
point in continuing when the world he knew is as nonexistent as he himself was
meant to be. Stepping over to Sora, he offers a weak smile and accepts his fate
gracefully, fading back into Sora and reawakening him.
“Sora… You’re lucky.
Looks like my summer vacation is… over.”
Naruto: Rock Lee
The Situation: Since
he was a child, Lee has had the lifelong dream of becoming a great ninja.
Unfortunately, he has no ability to use ninjutsu (special ninja powers) or
genjutsu (mind-manipulating powers)—abilities deemed necessary for anyone
wanting to become a ninja. In fact, ninja without these powers are considered
rarities—and not for good reasons.
Growing up at the academy, Lee finds himself consistently
bullied for his inability to pull off even the most simplistic ninjutsu.
Ignoring the naysayers, Lee begins to focus on the one technique he’s only
half-decent at—taijutsu, hand-to-hand combat. Through brutal self-discipline
and difficult training, Lee becomes the very first ninja student to graduate who
can only use one of the three ninja jutsu types.
As he continues
training under his sensei, Lee advances beyond most of his peers and eventually
gains entrance into the chunin exams (the next ninja rank), where he is pitted
against Gaara—a ninja protected by an impenetrable barrier of sand. Lee becomes
the first person to ever physically strike Gaara in combat, and literally beats
him into the ground with his taijutsu, but the feat comes at a high price. His
arm and leg are crippled in the battle by Gaara’s sand coffin jutsu, and Lee is
told that his dreams of being a ninja are now unattainable. His only chance of
recovery is a risky surgery with a 50% survival rate.
Lee is faced with two impossible choices: (1) give up on a
life-long dream he’s worked so hard to achieve or (2) opt to undergo the
surgery and possibly die from the process.
Denial. Even though he’s told his ninja days are over, Lee
refuses to listen. He sneaks out of his hospital room in order to perform his
daily training, regardless of the fact that his arm and leg are severely
injured. He faithfully attends his physical therapy sessions and begins taking
foreign herbal medications with the belief that he’ll be cured. Up to this
point, Lee has persevered against his odds simply by pushing himself to work
harder than the others in order to overcome his learning disabilities. Because
of that, he believes that by simply wishing hard enough, and working hard enough,
he can get better. He refuses to even consider the fact that his dream is
finished.
“I have to finish my
training!”
“I will never give up!
I will be back stronger than ever!”
Bargaining. But slowly, Lee begins to wonder if hard work is
really enough. Nothing he does seems to help, and when the top medical ninja in
the land tells him his situation is nearly hopeless, Lee begins to question
himself. He engages in “magical thinking,” picking petals off a flower in order
to determine the outcome of a potential surgery attempt. In this way, he’s
bargaining with fate. He’s asking for a sign, believing that something he does
can affect the ultimate outcome.
Depression. The results of Lee’s bargaining turn out negative.
He begins to grow overwhelmed by his situation. Since he was a child, his dream
has propelled him past all opposition, but now pursuing it means risking his
very life. With this impossible decision hanging over his head, Lee becomes exhausted.
He develops insomnia, grows hopeless, seeks isolation, and skips his physical
therapy classes.
“Even if I believe in
myself… It will not make the slightest difference.”
Anger. Finally, Lee cannot withhold his anguish any longer. His
body grows tense as he becomes angry with the situation he’s been put in. He’s
had to work three times harder than his peers, just to get as far as he has.
Now, he feels that life is being unfair to him, and he has done nothing to
deserve this fate.
“How come I am the
only one being punished like this?!”
Acceptance. Lee finds consolation and assurance through his
sensei. He realizes that he needs to make a decision, and that even a bad
decision is better than no decision at all. If he wants to be freed from the
suffering of indecision, Lee will have to make a choice. He ultimately chooses to
accept the surgery, recognizing the fact that his dream to be a ninja is what
has brought him this far. To give up on it now would crush him, and he is
willing to take a risk in order to continue pursuing his dream.
Spiderman: Peter
Parker
The Situation: High
school senior, Peter Parker, lives with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben who act as
the parents he no longer has. During a trip to a genetics laboratory, Peter is
bitten by a radio-active spider and begins to develop superpowers—shooting webs
from his hands, developing an extra-perception sense, enhanced eyesight, and
more. These additions come in handy for dealing with bullies at school… and
impressing Mary Jane, a girl that Peter hopes to date.
One day, Peter sees an advertisement for a wrestling
competition with a large cash reward for the winner. He envisions himself using
the money to buy an expensive car and impress Mary Jane, confident that his new
superpowers will guarantee him the victory. Not wanting to let his aunt or uncle
in on his secret, he lies to Uncle Ben about where he is going and his uncle
drops him off at a spot near the tournament. Peter receives a brief lecture
from his uncle about the responsible use of power, but Peter brushes off the
advice and he and his uncle part on poor terms.
Peter ultimately wins the wrestling match, but the promoter
cheats him out of the promised money. A thief rushes in at that exact moment
and steals a stash of money from the promoter. Peter allows the thief to slip
by him, angry at the promoter’s double-dealings and feeling that it’s only just
that the thief gets away.
Upon leaving the tournament, Peter finds out that his uncle
has been carjacked and mortally shot. Enraged, he pursues the killer, only to
discover that it’s the same thief that he let escape earlier. Had he stopped
the thief when he had the chance, his uncle would still be alive.
Anger. After a brief period of mourning, Peter goes in hot
pursuit of the criminal. He’s so angry he can hardly control himself and he
wants only revenge. He shows no mercy to his uncle’s killer, not yet knowing
his true identity.
“Did you give him a
chance?! The man you killed?! Did you?! Answer me!”
Denial. When Peter sees the criminal’s face, and realizes who
it is, cold denial freezes him in place. He briefly blocks out the thought that
this man could be the same one that he let escape. During his temporary
paralysis , the thief nearly kills him.
Bargaining. Peter replays the moment where he lets the thief
escape. The cruel truth begins to dawn on him: if he had stopped the thief then
and there, his uncle would still be alive. He begins to blame himself for his
uncle’s death, believing it’s his fault and that—if only he had acted
differently—he wouldn’t be facing this situation. This reoccurring thought
continues to haunt Peter.
Depression. After dispatching the thief, Peter retreats to the
isolation of a dark rooftop. He sits in silence, mourning for his uncle. Later,
when Peter graduates, the thought of his uncle comes back to him, and he wishes
more than anything that his uncle had been there on his special day. He goes to
his bedroom for some private recollection.
“I'm so sorry...”
“I can’t stop thinking
about the last thing I said to him.. He tried to tell me something important
and I threw it in his face.”
Acceptance. Peter’s aunt comforts him with encouraging words.
She assures Peter that his uncle loved him very much and that both she and
Uncle Ben know that Peter is destined for greatness. Peter then realizes that
the best way to honor his uncle is to heed his words: “With great power comes
great responsibility.” Peter uses this to drive him forward as he fights crime
and protects the city using his special gifts.
“With great power
comes great responsibility.”
A Final Note about
the 5 Stages of Grief
When implementing the 5 Stages of Grief into your writing,
use it as a tool to guide your characters and not an absolute to dictate what
happens to them. Grieving is a difficult, painful process and each character
will experience it differently. Don’t believe that there is one specific way to
write about grief, or that a character must follow all five steps of the
process in order to make your writing “realistic.” A more realistic approach
would be to have your characters skip steps of the process, repeat some, and
completely change around the traditional order laid out by Elisabeth
Kubler-Ross.
Remember to consider your character’s personality, values,
beliefs, attitudes, and dispositions when they grieve. This will greatly affect
what steps they spend the most time in, which steps they skip, how the overall
process changes them, and whether or not they finally reach acceptance.
You may also enjoy:
The Psychology of Writing: 4 Ways to Give Your Readers the Right Impression Of Your Characters, World, and Tone
The
Psychology of Writing: 5 Ways to make your Characters “Click” with
Readers using Vulnerability, Proximity, Resonance, Similarity, and
Shared Adversity
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