One of the debilitating battles that your characters may
encounter is the struggle against their own, personal form of loneliness. While
it takes many forms, loneliness is a sense of hurt, sadness, depression, or
resignation that stems from strong feelings of grief or inferiority and a need
to form relationships with others; in some cases, it may be the result of
psychological problems.
So, in today’s post, let’s talk about:
- What causes loneliness
- Physical signals of loneliness
- Internal sensations of loneliness
- Mental responses to loneliness
- Cues of acute or long-term loneliness
- Signs of suppressed loneliness
What is Loneliness?
Psychologically speaking, loneliness is a natural response
to isolation—be that physical, mental, social, or psychological. In its
simplest form, loneliness occurs when a person finds themselves alone with
nobody to support or connect with them.
In time, overbearing feelings of loneliness may result in a character becoming depressed or—on the other extreme—angry at the world around them.
It’s important to understand, however, that an isolated character does not a lonely
character make. Just because your hermit lives alone or your ingenious
detective finds pleasure in solitude does not mean that your characters are
lonely. Loneliness is an intense feeling of separation that results in a
character’s desire for relationships and connections with others. If your
character seeks solitude—and enjoys it—then they are not lonely; they are
introverted.
Physical Signs of
Loneliness
When characters experience loneliness, they feel disconnected
from others and a sense of hopelessness often permeates their daily lives.
After attempts at connectivity fail—or the character feels socially or mentally
stigmatized by the world around them—they may begin to feel that any attempt at
creating relationships is futile and resign themselves to their loneliness.
This means that, when in social situations, lonely characters are more likely
to avoid eye contact, stare at the sidewalk, give little or no welcoming expressions,
and adhere to a routine. In discouraging change and new interaction, the
character sets up mental barricades against further failed attempts at
connecting with others; this is a psychological defense against being further
hurt by their sense of isolation.
Should a lonely character try to form new connections, they
are most likely to do so with people they have had little to no prior contact
with (and whom they may never have contact with again). For example, a lonely
character may more readily converse with a total stranger in a shopping line,
look forward to speaking to the mailman each day, or create an online persona
through which they live vicariously. In doing so, the character is able to
present a new, or alternative, “self” to those they have never met (or who know
little about them). This gives the character a feeling of empowerment and a
sense of control in that they can “try a new approach” to gain connections with
others.
These physical signs of loneliness are most likely to be
recognized by an outside observer and not the lonely character. While the
character may be aware of some symptoms, such as beading tears in their eyes, a
lot of these physical signals may occur without them realizing (or intending)
it.
Internal Sensations
of Loneliness
The internal sensations are those that the lonely character
is completely aware of. These signs may go completely unrecognized (or at
least, unobserved) by onlookers. Internal sensations are still completely
physiological (or pertaining to the physical body), and are not to be confused
with mental responses, which we’ll address next.
Mental Responses to
Loneliness
Mentally, a lonely person is drained by their isolation.
Anything that reminds them of their loneliness is painful, and, as a result,
they will often avoid social gatherings and public places. If they cannot avoid
them directly, they avoid them psychologically—by keeping to themselves,
looking down, avoiding eye contact, and speaking to no one.
Mentally, a character is likely to be consumed either by
anger or sadness, though often the character will juggle between these two emotions
as they obsess about the cause of their isolation. Lonely characters frequently
daydream, or fall into thoughtful silence, so that they might escape to fantasy
worlds of their own making, in which they are accepted and have ideal relationships.
Cues of Acute or
Long-Term Loneliness
The sensations of loneliness mirror those of depression
(which loneliness can escalate to under certain circumstances) in many ways.
The lonely individual faces a daily battle of literal (or perceived) rejection.
This constant disconfirming can lead to feelings of inadequacy and obsession
with one’s loneliness. Characters may find themselves trapped in a vicious,
mental cycle where they consistently ask the question: why?
- Why do I have no relationships?
- Why am I not accepted?
- Is it my own fault?
- Should I change?
- Am I fated to be alone forever?
- What make me so different than others?
Unfortunately, rather than ask such questions
constructively, the lonely character finds themselves barraged by these
questions that they cannot answer—that they do not, in fact, know the answer to—or
that they simply do not want to answer. In turn, this detrimental cycle can
result in mental exhaustion, insomnia, and even physical aches and pains.
In time, the character may decide that they are alone
because they are not good enough—that others don’t enjoy being around them
because they are unattractive, boring, awkward, weird, or socially stigmatized
in some way. This can result in severe psychological consequences, and heavy,
continuous thoughts of inadequacy, low self-esteem, depression, or even anger,
may occur. In the most bizarre of scenarios, the lonely character may fall into
hopelessness and begin contemplating suicide.
Loneliness, if left unchecked and allowed to prosper, will
destroy a character, bit by bit, until little else matters to them but
acceptance. Characters who do not find healthy ways to cope with their
loneliness may begin engaging in constant stimulation in order to distract
themselves and create a false sense of belonging or escape. They may begin to
spend extensive amounts of time with (or even hoard) pets. Their appearance
often becomes an afterthought, as they no longer care what others think of
them, and they may gain weight, lose weight, or not bathe regularly or dress
appropriately. To counteract feelings of inadequacy and rejection, they may
spend unhealthy amounts of time on their job, volunteering for charity, or
bingeing on food, media, or hobbies, in order to compensate.
In the long-run, this results in detrimental side effects
for the lonely character. Physical effects may include obesity, high blood
pressure, fatigue, and insomnia. Psychological effects may include self-doubt,
feelings of worthlessness, addiction, recklessness, and depression.
Cues of Suppressed Loneliness
Characters who manage to suppress their loneliness do so
with an exorbitant amount of self-control and willpower. However, they are
often betrayed by an exaggerated sense of interest and need for stimulation that
is outside their normal disposition.
For example, lonely characters may instantly befriend—or
commit themselves—to anyone who shows even a small amount of interest in them.
Sometimes, these characters may find themselves in poor, negative, or even
abusive relationships through their intense desire to be accepted. They may also
frequently text or call family, friends, or spouses in order to get consistent confirmations
of their acceptance from others.
Less assertive types will express their loneliness by engaging
in activities that show a craving for social contact. These may include people
watching from a distance or frequently viewing online videos of others
socializing and having a good time. Daydreaming is an enormous player here.
A Final Note on
Loneliness
Loneliness is not introversion. An introvert is a character
who seeks, thrives in, and enjoys their solitude. A lonely character is one who
lives in self- or socially-inflicted solitude—who feels that they are not
accepted on some level and who desperately wants to escape their isolation by
forming strong relationships with others.
Loneliness is a very deliberate emotion. Unlike strong anger
or feelings of sadness, which can become irrational and uncontrollable
emotions, loneliness is a feeling that the character will try and work
themselves through by engaging in various—oft-times unsuccessful or fragile—connections
with others. Every action a lonely character makes should be done with specific
intent: to achieve an end, reveal emotion, or to characterize themselves (or
their ideal “self”) to others.
For more information
about writing anger and other character emotions, I highly recommend The
Emotion Thesaurus: A Writer’s Guide to Character Expression by Angela Ackerman & Becca Puglisi. The lists and charts in this article are all
adapted from that book. All rights reserved.
The Psychology of Writing: Character Development and Sadness
The Psychology of Writing: Character Development and Anger
The Psychology of Writing: Character Development and Anger
